What is Enabling and Why Do We Do It?

Gaslighting – It Makes Us Feel Like A Puppet

​Have you ever had a discussion with someone that leaves you feeling dumbfounded and rattled? I spent a lot of my childhood feeling like I was crazy because my Dad would always want me to change my thoughts and opinions. It was to the point where I just stopped having any ideas or thoughts of my own. I felt like everything I did and thought was wrong. This pattern repeated again in my marriage. It was very familiar and I didn’t like it. I would walk away from arguments not knowing what had just happened. I only knew I had given in again.

This is called gaslighting and it is considered to be psychological abuse. Many people who are close to an addict or alcoholic experience gaslighting. According to Wikipedia, gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favour the gaslighter, or false information is presented with the intent of making the gaslightee doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. It is not enough for the gaslightee to agree with the gaslighter. The purpose of gaslighting is to get the gaslightee to change his or her belief to be in line with the gaslighter.   Gaslighting is often very smooth and slick. The gaslightee doesn’t realize it when it is happening, but will feel bewildered by the outcome of the conversation.

Gaslighters need to be in control. They need things to be “their way” so they use gaslighting as a form of manipulation. The gaslighter knocks the gaslightee off balance by creating a reaction of anger, frustration or sadness. When this happens, the gaslighter attacks and behaves as if the gaslightee’s feelings are irrational and abnormal.

When you know what gaslighting looks like and feels like, you can react and respond differently. What are some of the signs of being gaslighted?

• Your sanity is questioned by the gaslighter.                                                     A gaslighter will turn up the intensity when he or she is not getting his or her way. Your sanity will be questioned and you will be called paranoid, stressed out, too sensitive or even abnormal. Often he or she might suggest medication and therapy to help you get through.

 

• You doubt your own thoughts, beliefs and perceptions.                               The gaslighter tries to change your beliefs thoughts and perceptions by getting you to align with him or her. He or she does this by wearing you down, repeating his or her beliefs, yelling, swearing, bullying or talking you into what they want.

 

• You can’t remember anything anymore.                                                           The gaslighter is infamous for selective memory. He or she will deny that he or she said something that upset you if you confront him or her on it, or he or she will promise to do something and later tell you that it never happened. He or she also might use creative language to downplay his or her behaviour and act as though your reaction is totally out of line.

 

• You lie to keep the peace.                                                                                     You find yourself bending the truth or out right lying to keep the peace and avoid verbal and/or physical abuse that will follow any discussion or situation that is against the gaslighter’s “rules.”

 

• You stop trying to be heard.                                                                                 Eventually you give up trying to share yourself with the gaslighter and maybe everyone in your life. You stop talking about yourself with the gaslighter because everything is an argument. Eventually you stop talking about your self altogether. Sooner or later you forget how to answer questions about yourself.

 

• You start thinking maybe you really are the crazy one.                               The intensity of the manipulation tactics can really get inside a person’s head. When you are looking for a solution (a way to end the disagreement or argument), you might convince yourself that the gaslighter is right – that there are things you could be doing better. You start thinking maybe his or her behaviour was a logical reaction to your mistakes. You apologize only to have him or her accept, and later throw your “bad behaviour” back in your face because it suits another one of his or her “arguments.”

Changing the dynamic of this kind of relationship is very challenging. It requires both people to be willing to change. If the one doing the gaslighting is not willing to change, the gaslightee will need to limit contact for his or her own emotional safety. Here are four things you can do to help yourself if you still need or want to have contact with the gaslighter.
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1. Challenge the gaslighter.                                                                                     You can tell the gaslighter you know what he or she is doing and stand strong in your beliefs. It is very difficult to not waver, but you can do it. The key is to believe in yourself and know in your heart that you are doing the right thing for you and the people concerned.
2. Reassure yourself.                                                                                               It is important to do a lot of self-talk and remind yourself that you are not crazy and it’s okay to have a different belief. It is okay to not agree and the world will not cave in. You can have a different opinion and be okay.
3. Check things out with a friend.                                                                           It’s like a literal lifeline. Calling a friend and checking out your perspective is imperative if you are going to be able to keep your sanity and not shut down. You need to hear from others that you are not crazy and your perspective is rational. It is also helpful to hear that the gaslighter is not rational. Be selective to whom you speak. You want to make sure you are asking people who will tell you the truth gently. Gossiping and creating drama will only further traumatize you and make the situation feel worse.
4. See professional help.                                                                                           Finding a counsellor to talk to is strongly recommended if you have been in a relationship with someone who gaslights. You will restructure your beliefs back to your truths, while rebuilding your confidence. Seeing a counsellor is very helpful because that person is impartial and detached from your relationship and, therefore, can see situations objectively.

Families Do Recover offers support through individual counselling and support groups.  Even if you live outside the Vancouver area, you can still participate in a group by accessing our online groups.  Our goal is to provide education and support so you can make the decisions that feel right to you and allow you to live a life free of self doubt and questioning.  ​​